Loneliness and storytelling

By Dr Sam Carr, senior lecturer in the Department of Education at University of Bath

Even if there were enough evidence to suggest that we are living through a

‘loneliness epidemic,’ what would that mean about the human experience

of loneliness itself? Would it mean that we should strive to eradicate it from

our individual and collective lives, in the same way we might treat a virus or

disease?

The psychologist, James Hillman, had concerns about what I like to call the

“loneliness-as-pathology” perspective. He argued that quick-fix “solutions”

like Prozac or socialising in “recovery groups” reflect an idea that we can -

and should - “abolish” loneliness.

But what if, as Hillman went on to argue, loneliness is an inevitable part of

being human? Then, wouldn’t we be trying to “cure” something that’s as

much a part of our journey as death itself?

Hillman put it this way:

If loneliness is an archetypal sense built into us all from the very beginning, then, to be alive is also to be lonely. Loneliness, therefore, will come and go as it chooses in the course of a lifetime, quite apart from our efforts to deny or avoid this reality.

In different ways, I have spent most of my career researching loneliness.

I’ve carried out hundreds of interviews and observed the plethora of ways it

can show up in people’s lives through the lifespan, from childhood into

deep old age.

Numerous case studies have led me to believe that loneliness isn’t so

much a “single feeling” but simply a label we give to a medley of human

experiences and unsatisfied appetites that revolve around a sense of

disconnection and longing that may well be an inevitable part of life’s

journey from time to time.

In my recent book, All the Lonely People: Conversations on Loneliness, I

presented an array of examples of the different ways in which loneliness

can show up. The conversations are drawn from a range of projects and

interviews I’ve conducted over the years, that each offer a glimpse of a

particular shade of loneliness.

Stories of everyday loneliness like these are valuable because they help us

to appreciate that loneliness has many faces and isn’t really a universal

phenomenon. When somebody tells us they ‘feel lonely,’ we know almost

nothing about their experience until we have heard the story of their

loneliness and the unique circumstances that give rise to it. The ‘feeling’ is really just the tip of the iceberg. Stories help us discern what loneliness

looks like and how it is lived.

As Carl Jung suggested, concepts like ‘loneliness’ are important because

they provide a certain orientation about the essence of someone’s inner

experience. However, he argued, “the crucial thing is the story. For it alone

shows the human background to a person’s suffering.”

Stories of loneliness can help us to appreciate that it is a part of most

people’s journey through life. We all have such stories inside us, whether

we have shared them or not. Perhaps accepting this reality makes more

sense than seeking to pathologize what may be an inevitable human

experience.

In fact, we may do more harm than good by stigmatising and pathologizing

loneliness, creating a sense of shame around it that forces people to

compartmentalise the experience, mask it, or drive it underground.

Of course, this is not to say that we should take loneliness lightly. It is a

challenging and difficult part of life. But this is also where stories come in.

In stories, we have the opportunity to share our loneliness with others,

unburdening ourselves, and no longer keeping our loneliness exclusively to

ourselves. An essential component of the suffering in loneliness is often the

fact that we are alone with our loneliness. In my experience, stories of

loneliness hold great value for both listener and storyteller, fostering

empathy, compassion, and connection.

Ultimately, the answer to loneliness may well be found in learning to live

alongside it, as opposed to denying its existence or seeking to eradicate it.

About Dr Sam Carr

Dr Sam Carr is an academic researcher, scholar, and non-fiction author working in the Department of Education and Centre for Death and Society at University of Bath. He is interested in themes connected to human relationships, loss, death, grief, loneliness, and attachment.

For more information about Sam's research, click here.